And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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