do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
