I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
