just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize