Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
