Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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