rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
