Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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