Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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