I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
