2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
