I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
