That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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