I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
