Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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