i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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