y did u give ur computer a hand job?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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