we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
