Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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