there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
