can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
