PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
