Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
