another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
