The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
My liver just broke up with me...
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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