I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
