Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
