My Higher Power is John Stamos
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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