I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
