Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
