I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
