Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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