I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Shame is for Republicans.
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