alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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