So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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