The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
