sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
