While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize