you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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