She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
