I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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