We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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