So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
