shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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