I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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