Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I fill condoms, not promises.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
