Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
