Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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