Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Randomize
