I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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