I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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