she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize