i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
