Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
40s are totally the cure
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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