Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
