is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
