She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
