I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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