Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
