Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
