Pappa wants mamma naked
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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