dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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