I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
