I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
True strength comes from lack of pants
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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